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| it is amazing... the second i wrote all those things down things began to change... immediatly my ex boyfriend called me after a year of not talking and we went to the movies and dinner... its nice to know i still got it like that... then on saturday i came to fontana... and no it wasnt to see him*. i spent time with mikel and we had fun like we used to. us and our stupid model shots... HA...! and then daron called me... we talked for the longest time... and i dont know what to think. all i know is that im happier. ive managed to go a weekend stan*-less and not really care. the only one occupying my mind right now is daron... no im not sprung off him. well see how it goes... he asked me to go to the movies with him 2morrow... what the HELL am i supposed to wear?! haha anyway... i think im finally on the road to recovery... stan* was like a drug... he was addicting... but im slowly detatching myself... i dont think he notices anyway. its all good though... i dont regret it at all.
why did i have 2 of the oddest coversations with my mom...
me- mom would u disown me if i were to become a victorias secret angel?
mom- what? disown?
me- well would u be mad?
mom- i wouldnt be mad... it would just be wierd
me- but mom to get paid to do that would be so cool
mom- well... youd have to lose like 100 pounds
me- no i wouldnt.. not that much.. besides its not like im naked!
mom- well if you can then why not?
me- wow...
victorias secret here i come!
mom- your not going to go alll the way with him right?
me- MOM! r u serious???
mom- u think im stupid? i know uve been messing around with boys...
me- what?! whatever mom
mom- im serious... no going all the way
me- i KNOW!... messing around.. eww whatever
mom- *glares*
me- but mom making out is FUN
mom- i know it is but it can lead to other things
me- so im not allowed to make out?
mom- i never said that
me- well i already promised daron a kiss
mom- *glare*
me- im not allowed to kiss him?
mom- i didnt say that... ok u can kiss him
me- only ONCE?
mom- dont let it go any further! know your boundaries! draw a line!
me- whatever mom...
eww i talked to my mom about making out... what the hell... GAH
*names have been changed
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| as i sit back on this stormy friday night... one of the first friday nights where i have no idea what will go down tonight... i reflect on the past 7 months of my life. i remember the when 7 months ago i was still the innocent little girl. i had kissed one boy... never ever touched a drug... and never even had enough alcohol in my system to create a slight buzz in my head. the days where i walked around staring at my feet so i wouldnt see the beautiful faces around me. the days when i looked into a mirror and saw the ugliest person i knew. the days when running was out of the question. the days when i had no car and no money. the days i lived with my parents. i owned one piece of rocawear and one good pair of jeans. one pair of acceptable shoes and 2 goos purses. i wore minimal makeup and didnt reallly know what to do with my hair. i went to church and i did my homework. how things can change so fast...
i was caught in a whirlwind of emotions. freedom... confidence... i was overwhelmed with it all. an older CUTE boy took a liking to me. me being naive and not ever having experienced that before, fell into the trap. the trap many girl fall into. now before you judge him... just know that it was all me. at the first sign of attraction i jumped on it. i pushed it.. i became attached with that very first kiss...
we stood oustide his house... our new haven from the prying eyes and ears of my parents. they thought we were safe and sound in my grandfathers house... we were really just chillin in his house... we had just finished watching "soul plane" and it was about 2:30 in the morning... i was cold.. he held me.. i looked up at him... told him not to go in yet... i looked down... when i looked back up his lips were suddenly on mine... in that moment.. that very moment... i changed...
from then on whenever i saw him all i wanted was to feel when he kissed me. the way he looked at me i felt like i was so beautiful... i knew from the start his terms and conditions.. we agreed that there would be no relationship... at the time i thought i would be able to handle it. we would mess around and we would both be free to do whatever we wished. there was no commitment... no obligation...
i experienced alot of firsts in the next couple of weeks... the day after my BIG first i moved to chino hills. i wanted ot that way. it was a way of rebelling to my parents. they were tearing me away from my friends and what i knew... i was tearing thier sweet innocent daughter away and giving them back a woman.
from then on... every weekend i would return to fontana and return to him... we chatted on the phone every few days... we even went to the fair together. the first few months were pretty damn good. and slowly the idea formed in the very back of my mind that maybe... just maybe... there could be a chance of something more. not now... maybe in the future after he would realize what he has standing in front of him. what he will always have standing in front of him.
my ideas fluctuated up and down quicker than a heartbeat. but my feelings never changed. what he sees is a girl who, like him, just wants a friday night fix. what he doesnt see is the girl that longs for something slighly more. the one that wished to called baby all the time and not just when hes bout to bust. the one who holds my hand and kisses my ear in public not just in his room. the one who wants more than one phonecall a week and on wednesdays not 11:00pm on fridays. the one who wanted a little bit more recognition on special days and not the casual indifference on birthdays and valentines day. but no... he cant see that girl... i wont let him. i wont let him know how much i like him and how much i think about him. i cant...
why cant i? it will scare him away. he will realize how i feel and then he will realize he doesnt feel the same way and he will slowly pull away. we will never talk. and in a few years he will forget about me. and i will still be here... still thinking about him.
not only has he drawn me into the world of intimacy... i have been pulled into the world of... well condering i dont consider it a drug i shall just call it that green green grass... a couple months ago... possibly the first week of december... i smoked. yes.. chandra... the girl who hates smoke of all kind... smoked. and guess what... chandra liked it. and since then weed accompanies our rendezvous.
there are so many memories... being caught by the cops... making out on the beach... making out at the fair... making out wherever we go actually... going to kickbacks and parties... just having fun.
i have gained so much in these experiences... but i have also lost. i have lost fragments of friendships. mikel no longer acts the same around me. jane hasnt talked to me in a week. 2 of my closest friends are no longer as close. was it worth it? no... not really... but i never thought that such things could tear apart such bonds. i didnt think that people i thought would always stand by me could drop me so fast. it opens eyes... that those you trust the most to tell them your deepest darkest secrets could just tear you down. instead of consolation just condemnation. but its ok... im used to ending up alone.
i dont regret anything ive done. i dont believe in regret. there really isnt a point. i chose to do what i did. no one forced me... in fact i think i forced some people on more than one occasion. i would not change anything ive done. only that i wouldnt spill the beans to my friends that i know would change around me.
now i dont mean to make it sound as if i have changed completely for the better... i havnt. i just wanted to state that good things have come out of it. ... but they dont really outweigh the bad. im engaged in illegal activitys... in all three of those sinful categories... sex, drugs, and alcohol. im constantly out past "curfew" (i dont know who really follows those...) and i constantly lie to everyone around me. i am never where i say i will be and i never knew where i would sleep. it seemed grand at the time. being able to do what i wanted... having friends that were of age to drink and smoke and be out past 10. hanging around older people. feeling confident about myself and knowing i had friends...
it was fun... will it last? i dont know. it almost seems as if they are tiring of me. or maybe im tiring of them. of the antics, of the lies, of the brush-offs, of the blow-offs, of the casual sex, of the smoking, of everything. maybe im finally seeing what everyone else sees. i always knew it.. i just made excuses so i didnt have to deal with it. so i didnt have to actually admit to myself that maybe it isnt as cracked up as it looked.
can i help feeling this way though? its the classic story of when a girl loses it to a boy who really could care less. girl becomes attached.. boy becomes annoyed... boy dumps girl... girl is heartbroken... will i be destined with that same fate?
i just dont understand... why cant i be in one of those stupid high school relationships? am i really that unappealing to the opposite sex? do i just radiate a vibe that screams "YOU DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME!!!" all i want is for someone to take me to the movies... someone to take me to dinner... someone to ask me to a dance... someone to kiss me and hold me and tell me everything will be ok... someone to give me flowers and candy on valentines day... i dont requier much. hell, ill even pay for myself! i dont really care... i just want to feel normal for once. i want to go one a date. i want to be in a relationship. its almost like its my destiny... not to be loved... one things for sure though... im not destined to die a virgin... | | |
| aww how sad! only a select few care about my current car situation! >.< oh well those who do care i appreciate it! i found this survey and i realized ive done alot... considering how i used to be... hehe
i started track last week and now i quit today... i realized i need to focus on getting a job and school... soooo yeah thats all | | |
| omg what a day...
i was awoken today at around 6:30 in the morning. what an obscene time to be awake... my aunt woke me up this morning telling me i needed to get up and it was important... im thinking i hope im not in trouble! then i was like i wonder if anyone died! so i pull on some pants (no i dont sleep with pants... i hate sleeping with pants.... just a tshirt and panties!haha) anyway so i walk out my room and my aunt looks at me.
"someone hit your car during the night"
my eyes popped open... i couldnt really comprehend what was happening... she had to say it a couple times. i walk out and look out the window. i see my car about 15-20 feet further than where i parked it (on the street) and half of it was up on the curb. there are peices of my car all over the street. but from where i saw it it looked ok i was just expecting a dent on the other side. i cried on the phone with my mom and finally gathered the courage to go and look at the other side.
what i saw was heartbreaking. i was no dent... on the passenger side of my car, my tail lights are missing... bits an pieces were scattered all over the street. from the back of my car to the door it looks like someone took the metal and peeled it back and left it there. bits of metal debris was all over. the axles are bent. my car wont even start. it is completely and totally ruined. my baby sampson has passed on...
this was my very first car... im so sad...
we think that someone was drunk, turned the corner too fast, and hit my car. they didnt even break or stop... they litterally hit my car and kept going. we estimate it was hit around 2:00-4:00 am saturday morning february 5 2005. it was a complete hit and run. the wierd thing is, is that no one heard the impact. we all just slept through it. none of the neighbors heard it either... we filed a report... but what good is that going to do? no i have to get a job and scrimp and save for a new car. i was seriously considering sending something in to "pimp my ride" but you have to be 18. gah... im depressed.
ill post some pictures as soon as i get some...
this seems appropriate for my current boy situation... this is for stan*
*names have been changed | | |
| eh... winter formal is coming up... i wanna go so bad... if someone would ask me that would be great!!! if not im still gonna go... blahh
i came to a startling revelation the other day. ive never done anythhing the normal way... i want to be a normal 17 year old girl that does things normal 17 year old girls do. ive never been asked on a date, to the movies, to dinner... nothing. ive never been asked to a dance... in fact ive never been asked TO dance, slow or fast... i dont get hit on at the mall, i dont get hit on in school, things like that just dont happen to me. ive never asked for a number, no ones really asked for mine.. (26 year old men in pomona dont count) my first boyfriend... well that was my fault... my parentsd had me on LOCK. havnt had a boyfriend after that... i just have a priveleged friend who is still priveleged but even that isnt normal. i dont think i would mind so horribly much if he at least cared for me. but its ok we have an understanding. he doesnt want a relationship and i like him so much i tell him i dont want one either but secretly do... how sad is it?
black college expo is next week saturday january 29th!!! im going.. ima be the only asian up in thaty but i dont give a shit! never pass up an opprotuniyty to chill wit my ppls! lol anywayyy...
i dont wanna to let myself even dare to think that HE might have an inkling of affection towards me. if i get my hopes up about HIM i know that if im wrong about HIM my little heart will be crushed again. so im gonna keep denying it and if HE does then i will be surprised and HAPPY...
eh i dont have any pics right now... | | |
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allow me to reintroduce myself; chandra peronounced chan-da-rah most call me chan. se7en teen yrs of age, bojangglin in chino hills, but u can find me in fontana most of the time. mainly interested in black men, and the hiphop style. i always rock that propa gear, two fingers up, peace.
